As I See You Walk Away

I see you walk away when I drop you off. I see how slow you move and how you look down the whole way. It breaks my heart to see how fast you are deteriorating. I get angry at the universe for not giving me an opportunity to meet you before when you were healthy and whole. Well maybe you were never whole but whole enough to have more time. I get upset at you for all the shit you did that led to this illness. Yes I know you had a crappy childhood and I should probably be blaming your fucked up parents. But still you had a choice and you chose to do drugs. I hate how little time we have left; I hate that come next September you may not be around.

It breaks my heart to see this side of you. I love the bubble we live in, the one where we pretend that everything is fine. And it is magical for the time we are together, stress-free and nothing else exists or matters but us and what we want to do. The spark you ignite in me, the way I feel with you and the little things about you that make me feel so happy. But that all shatters the moment I drop you off and see you walk away I see the truth and I hate it. Hate myself for being so self-centered and unwilling to see what is really there, hate you for not talking to me about what is really going on, and hate the universe for giving me more pain.

And as I drive back home or wherever I’m headed, I normally cry the whole way there. And spend the rest of the day putting myself back together as best as I can so the next time we meet, I can do this all over again.