It's Complicated

In February two major events happened that altered my sense of being. That made me realize how fragile and small I really am. Maybe I needed a reminder; maybe God saw it fitting for me to learn the lesson of loss and new beginnings. After all it had been quite a few years since I last had a moment of losing everything and re-discovering myself so maybe it was time for that to happen again. Whatever the reasons were, it happened and like anyone else I was completely unprepared for the pain and suffering, for the sorrow of loneliness. I've always considered my relationship with God a complicated one, one where I am selfish child, stubborn and not always trusting. Yet it’s this relationship that keeps me going, wanting to be better, wanting to continue growing and improving. And so in the chaos that was my life in February all I could do was pray, pray that I would make it through the day. I didn't ask to see beyond the day I was living, no that would have been asking for too much. All I wanted was to live the day I was in, make it through without crying. Make it through without my professors and fellow classmates knowing what was happening. Make it through service on Sunday without feeling the urge to run out screaming, why me?

And so God granted me the wish, every day went by. Most of the craziness unnoticed by the masses. Few were around to witness the chaos and to them I am grateful. Grateful that they were there to pick me up when I couldn't do it myself. Grateful that they would share their class notes with me, grateful that I would get that text or call to find out how I was, grateful that although I was far from my family and close friends, I had found a new family full of new close friends who were there for me. And so I made it through the semester, barely making it but still standing.

Flew to California to face the new reality. The one where my dear pet was dead and my marriage was a lie. The one that I never imagined possible and yet it was true. I learned that one doesn't die of a broken heart, that each day is a new beginning and that if today is bad, well I get to make tomorrow better. And yes it was difficult walking into that house and not having Terrible coming to jump on me, or walking into my bedroom to find every picture of my wedding day gone but yet I live.

So why am I sharing this? Well for starters because I blamed myself for a while there and my Bishop recently told me it’s time for me to move forward and understand that it wasn't my fault. So in order to move forward I felt the need to publicly say my marriage was annulled this summer because Mr. X turned out to be married to someone else. My legal status being: single as in never married. My emotional status is much more complicated: widow in mourning, not for the husband but for the dreams and hopes that died with that marriage.

I stand all amazed at what happened and what is to come. But I have faith that there is a lesson to be learned and some day it will be clear why I had to go through what I went.