The Happily Ever After Cinderella didn't see

What do you do when the dreams and hopes have shattered?

When your happily ever after lasted only five years…

What do you when the clock stroke midnight and your carriage just turned into a pumpkin?

What do you do when Prince Charming turned out to be nothing but a phony?

You cry your eyes out, you pick the pieces of your life that are worth taking, and you move forward.

After all you are young, strong, smart and a survivor.

It's Complicated

In February two major events happened that altered my sense of being. That made me realize how fragile and small I really am. Maybe I needed a reminder; maybe God saw it fitting for me to learn the lesson of loss and new beginnings. After all it had been quite a few years since I last had a moment of losing everything and re-discovering myself so maybe it was time for that to happen again. Whatever the reasons were, it happened and like anyone else I was completely unprepared for the pain and suffering, for the sorrow of loneliness. I've always considered my relationship with God a complicated one, one where I am selfish child, stubborn and not always trusting. Yet it’s this relationship that keeps me going, wanting to be better, wanting to continue growing and improving. And so in the chaos that was my life in February all I could do was pray, pray that I would make it through the day. I didn't ask to see beyond the day I was living, no that would have been asking for too much. All I wanted was to live the day I was in, make it through without crying. Make it through without my professors and fellow classmates knowing what was happening. Make it through service on Sunday without feeling the urge to run out screaming, why me?

And so God granted me the wish, every day went by. Most of the craziness unnoticed by the masses. Few were around to witness the chaos and to them I am grateful. Grateful that they were there to pick me up when I couldn't do it myself. Grateful that they would share their class notes with me, grateful that I would get that text or call to find out how I was, grateful that although I was far from my family and close friends, I had found a new family full of new close friends who were there for me. And so I made it through the semester, barely making it but still standing.

Flew to California to face the new reality. The one where my dear pet was dead and my marriage was a lie. The one that I never imagined possible and yet it was true. I learned that one doesn't die of a broken heart, that each day is a new beginning and that if today is bad, well I get to make tomorrow better. And yes it was difficult walking into that house and not having Terrible coming to jump on me, or walking into my bedroom to find every picture of my wedding day gone but yet I live.

So why am I sharing this? Well for starters because I blamed myself for a while there and my Bishop recently told me it’s time for me to move forward and understand that it wasn't my fault. So in order to move forward I felt the need to publicly say my marriage was annulled this summer because Mr. X turned out to be married to someone else. My legal status being: single as in never married. My emotional status is much more complicated: widow in mourning, not for the husband but for the dreams and hopes that died with that marriage.

I stand all amazed at what happened and what is to come. But I have faith that there is a lesson to be learned and some day it will be clear why I had to go through what I went.

Table for One

I can't remember the last time I had to say just one.
Maybe it happened during our marriage and it just went unnoticed by me.
But now that I'm single, alone again, I notice it.
Every time I have a craving for eating out.

Yes! I finally get to decided what I want to have.
No need to avoid Indian or Thai because you are so uncultured you can't see beyond American food.
No need to have to go to buffets to feed your never ending appetite.
No longer have to worry about you being upset because for once you ordered something different off the menu and hate it, or have to face the same ole appetizer everywhere we go: artichoke dip.

I get to have my own voice again.
Eat what I want when I want it.
So what if I want tacos from the lunch truck?
So what if I want the $25 ribeye steak?
No longer have to argue over my taste in food or the price of the meal.
No longer have to wait for someone else to be in the mood for eating out.
Now I go when I want to.

Yes it is a table for one.
Yes, I do want to hear tonight's specials.
Yes I do think I will have dessert tonight.

Black Hair Beauty

Black hair beauty I have never met her.
Know her only as my boyfriend's girlfriend.
The one I envy because she met him first.
The one who doesn’t value the time she has him.
Too self-consume to be there for him
Is she aware what she is missing out on?


Black hair beauty too horny and sexually confused to have a monogamous relationship
At least for that I am grateful, was not for that I would never have met our boyfriend
Every opportunity you miss out on black hair beauty, I take advantage of.

As I See You Walk Away

I see you walk away when I drop you off. I see how slow you move and how you look down the whole way. It breaks my heart to see how fast you are deteriorating. I get angry at the universe for not giving me an opportunity to meet you before when you were healthy and whole. Well maybe you were never whole but whole enough to have more time. I get upset at you for all the shit you did that led to this illness. Yes I know you had a crappy childhood and I should probably be blaming your fucked up parents. But still you had a choice and you chose to do drugs. I hate how little time we have left; I hate that come next September you may not be around.

It breaks my heart to see this side of you. I love the bubble we live in, the one where we pretend that everything is fine. And it is magical for the time we are together, stress-free and nothing else exists or matters but us and what we want to do. The spark you ignite in me, the way I feel with you and the little things about you that make me feel so happy. But that all shatters the moment I drop you off and see you walk away I see the truth and I hate it. Hate myself for being so self-centered and unwilling to see what is really there, hate you for not talking to me about what is really going on, and hate the universe for giving me more pain.

And as I drive back home or wherever I’m headed, I normally cry the whole way there. And spend the rest of the day putting myself back together as best as I can so the next time we meet, I can do this all over again.

The Timeline

I met you in June when I was technically single although still making out with my ex in the stairwell of his apartment building. I thought you were something else. Decided to give myself a chance with you and in July told my ex I was through.

I left for Spain in September and by October you had a $300 phone bill from all the times you’d call. I thought you were special and liked that you cared enough to call me weekly.

By December I came home to find a bouquet of 24 long stem red roses on my door with balloons that said I miss you. I thought you might be the one, after all why else would you do this?

In May, after much thought and 9 months of studying in Spain, I thought maybe I need to get out. I am too young to settle down. So I had the perfect excuse to end our relationship. You threw a curve ball and my plan back-fired. I kept my mouth shut and thought it was a sign that maybe we should go on.

By the following December you were proposing and I wasn’t quite sure of what to do but was taught the right answer was yes so I went along with it. I thought you were special, different, something else. With time you would become the one.

Two year engagement because I was dragging my feet, but you were my friend and I trusted you so marriage seemed a safe haven. After all I thought you were something else, and all the signs seemed to say I should go on, and so I told myself, you are the one.

Five years into the marriage and I finally see you clearly. You were not something else, you were just like the rest. For nine years you lied. I was the best you could do, but you weren’t the best I could do. You were not special; you were just like the rest. You came before anyone else, knew I would have never married you had I known the truth so you hid it beneath the surface and cast an illusion. No dreams, no future, just living day by day without a hope of something better. You were not the one, you were just a magician, everyone captivated believed the trick, it was so credible you started to believe it yourself.

When I finally saw clearly 9 years had passed me by and finally I saw: I am something else because I want different, I am special because I face challenges and still rise above it, I am the one and only and don’t need you by my side. I am capable of success all on my own.

Random Thoughts

I’m torn between who I was and who I am.
Breathing doesn’t come easy
People around me suffocate me.
Do they even see me clearly anymore?
Does this even matter?
Nothing makes sense anymore
--
I cannot let you in.
I cannot let myself feel
I cannot let you hurt me
Its happened too many times before
--
You are like a moth, creature of the night
Broken wing, attracted to the light
Unable to think past this moment
Mesmerized by the light
Not understanding the heat can destroy you.

What is Love?

What is love?
Is not holding anything back the key to true love?
How do you know when you are ready for a relationship?
Does being in a relationship mean compromise?

Last night a friend and I were texting back and forth on these same questions. Earlier this year he broke off a 6 year relationship and recently he began “seeing” a mutual friend of ours. Things seem to be going well and he is now trying to figure out whether he is ready to be in a relationship again and what that all means. Considering everything I have been through this year, I have been evaluating my life and the all past relationships to try and figure out where I have gone wrong. No, I do not think my divorce was actually my fault as it was not a typical situation, it is actually quite unusual. Nonetheless, for a while I knew that being married to Mr. X was not working and part at least was my fault as I let it get that far by agreeing to marry him even when I had doubts a few months before the wedding.

That is another story and not as important right now as this. So in talking to my friend last night, I started to express how I wasn’t quite sure I knew what romantic love was anymore. I assumed I knew but lately I have been thinking that maybe it was never love, maybe I gave the best I could and as much as I could but I don’t think I would call that love. So it leads to the question: What is love? And how do you recognize it? Back when I actually believed in love, I assumed that love was trust and respect for your partner. Love involved caring about someone else more than you cared for yourself. However, that may be a little masochistic as I think ultimately one partner ends up giving up a lot of who they are or what they want, to make a relationship work. My friend said a relationship is compromise, both letting some things go and working together towards a future that involves both parties. But I feel like one partner always ends up giving more than the other. I don’t think it is done consciously. I think you just let things go because your partner doesn’t like the same thing or it just becomes inconvenient in the grand scheme of things. An example: I love dancing, I love going out with friends to a club, or party where I get to dance the night away. My ex did not enjoy it. When we dated, he went and danced a bit, but ultimately would say, just dance with your friends. Eventually when we got married, he stopped going all together and I ended up going to clubs with friends, and attending parties either alone or with a friend or relative. After a while it just didn’t seem right that I would go alone, so I stopped going all together. No he did not ask me to stop, yet I knew he didn’t enjoy it, so I stopped doing it. See where I am going with this? A partner ends up giving things up unconsciously to accommodate the other. I won’t say if it is right, wrong, or the way it should be, I am just wondering: Is it always like this? Does it have to be this way? How can it be different?

Another thing I have been thinking about lately is how I sometimes change what I like and accommodate for the other person. I guess everyone does this to some extend but I was thinking how much of who we are do we “let go” of to make a relationship work. Should being with someone be hard work? I don’t actually think I or anyone else considers it hard work when you are in a relationship but giving up a part of who you are or what you like for someone else is a big deal, maybe not one you see at first but definitely down the road. So what does that mean? Is it that you are living a lie by holding things back? Or is just the way life is, like a partner sometimes stops doing things they enjoyed, or changes habits to accommodate the other. My friend brought up a question that is really good and I wish I had an answer to it: Is not holding anything back the key to true love? True love, yikes there is something everyone wants and yet it feels like such few actually have it. I don’t know, true love is one of those terms I have never used to describe any of my relationships even when I was married. Not to bring my parents into this mix, but considering they got divorce when I was very young and neither re-married, I don’t think I ever had an example of what true love looks like. So what is true love?

And lastly, when is someone ready for a relationship? Is there ever a right time? I for one don’t think I was actually “looking” for one, each time it happened. Every relationship just came as a natural next step after dating the person for a while and thinking I wanted something more exclusive. But now I wonder, is there ever a time when one feels “ready” for a relationship? How does one even know?