It's Complicated

In February two major events happened that altered my sense of being. That made me realize how fragile and small I really am. Maybe I needed a reminder; maybe God saw it fitting for me to learn the lesson of loss and new beginnings. After all it had been quite a few years since I last had a moment of losing everything and re-discovering myself so maybe it was time for that to happen again. Whatever the reasons were, it happened and like anyone else I was completely unprepared for the pain and suffering, for the sorrow of loneliness. I've always considered my relationship with God a complicated one, one where I am selfish child, stubborn and not always trusting. Yet it’s this relationship that keeps me going, wanting to be better, wanting to continue growing and improving. And so in the chaos that was my life in February all I could do was pray, pray that I would make it through the day. I didn't ask to see beyond the day I was living, no that would have been asking for too much. All I wanted was to live the day I was in, make it through without crying. Make it through without my professors and fellow classmates knowing what was happening. Make it through service on Sunday without feeling the urge to run out screaming, why me?

And so God granted me the wish, every day went by. Most of the craziness unnoticed by the masses. Few were around to witness the chaos and to them I am grateful. Grateful that they were there to pick me up when I couldn't do it myself. Grateful that they would share their class notes with me, grateful that I would get that text or call to find out how I was, grateful that although I was far from my family and close friends, I had found a new family full of new close friends who were there for me. And so I made it through the semester, barely making it but still standing.

Flew to California to face the new reality. The one where my dear pet was dead and my marriage was a lie. The one that I never imagined possible and yet it was true. I learned that one doesn't die of a broken heart, that each day is a new beginning and that if today is bad, well I get to make tomorrow better. And yes it was difficult walking into that house and not having Terrible coming to jump on me, or walking into my bedroom to find every picture of my wedding day gone but yet I live.

So why am I sharing this? Well for starters because I blamed myself for a while there and my Bishop recently told me it’s time for me to move forward and understand that it wasn't my fault. So in order to move forward I felt the need to publicly say my marriage was annulled this summer because Mr. X turned out to be married to someone else. My legal status being: single as in never married. My emotional status is much more complicated: widow in mourning, not for the husband but for the dreams and hopes that died with that marriage.

I stand all amazed at what happened and what is to come. But I have faith that there is a lesson to be learned and some day it will be clear why I had to go through what I went.

Table for One

I can't remember the last time I had to say just one.
Maybe it happened during our marriage and it just went unnoticed by me.
But now that I'm single, alone again, I notice it.
Every time I have a craving for eating out.

Yes! I finally get to decided what I want to have.
No need to avoid Indian or Thai because you are so uncultured you can't see beyond American food.
No need to have to go to buffets to feed your never ending appetite.
No longer have to worry about you being upset because for once you ordered something different off the menu and hate it, or have to face the same ole appetizer everywhere we go: artichoke dip.

I get to have my own voice again.
Eat what I want when I want it.
So what if I want tacos from the lunch truck?
So what if I want the $25 ribeye steak?
No longer have to argue over my taste in food or the price of the meal.
No longer have to wait for someone else to be in the mood for eating out.
Now I go when I want to.

Yes it is a table for one.
Yes, I do want to hear tonight's specials.
Yes I do think I will have dessert tonight.

Black Hair Beauty

Black hair beauty I have never met her.
Know her only as my boyfriend's girlfriend.
The one I envy because she met him first.
The one who doesn’t value the time she has him.
Too self-consume to be there for him
Is she aware what she is missing out on?


Black hair beauty too horny and sexually confused to have a monogamous relationship
At least for that I am grateful, was not for that I would never have met our boyfriend
Every opportunity you miss out on black hair beauty, I take advantage of.

As I See You Walk Away

I see you walk away when I drop you off. I see how slow you move and how you look down the whole way. It breaks my heart to see how fast you are deteriorating. I get angry at the universe for not giving me an opportunity to meet you before when you were healthy and whole. Well maybe you were never whole but whole enough to have more time. I get upset at you for all the shit you did that led to this illness. Yes I know you had a crappy childhood and I should probably be blaming your fucked up parents. But still you had a choice and you chose to do drugs. I hate how little time we have left; I hate that come next September you may not be around.

It breaks my heart to see this side of you. I love the bubble we live in, the one where we pretend that everything is fine. And it is magical for the time we are together, stress-free and nothing else exists or matters but us and what we want to do. The spark you ignite in me, the way I feel with you and the little things about you that make me feel so happy. But that all shatters the moment I drop you off and see you walk away I see the truth and I hate it. Hate myself for being so self-centered and unwilling to see what is really there, hate you for not talking to me about what is really going on, and hate the universe for giving me more pain.

And as I drive back home or wherever I’m headed, I normally cry the whole way there. And spend the rest of the day putting myself back together as best as I can so the next time we meet, I can do this all over again.