Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Timeline

I met you in June when I was technically single although still making out with my ex in the stairwell of his apartment building. I thought you were something else. Decided to give myself a chance with you and in July told my ex I was through.

I left for Spain in September and by October you had a $300 phone bill from all the times you’d call. I thought you were special and liked that you cared enough to call me weekly.

By December I came home to find a bouquet of 24 long stem red roses on my door with balloons that said I miss you. I thought you might be the one, after all why else would you do this?

In May, after much thought and 9 months of studying in Spain, I thought maybe I need to get out. I am too young to settle down. So I had the perfect excuse to end our relationship. You threw a curve ball and my plan back-fired. I kept my mouth shut and thought it was a sign that maybe we should go on.

By the following December you were proposing and I wasn’t quite sure of what to do but was taught the right answer was yes so I went along with it. I thought you were special, different, something else. With time you would become the one.

Two year engagement because I was dragging my feet, but you were my friend and I trusted you so marriage seemed a safe haven. After all I thought you were something else, and all the signs seemed to say I should go on, and so I told myself, you are the one.

Five years into the marriage and I finally see you clearly. You were not something else, you were just like the rest. For nine years you lied. I was the best you could do, but you weren’t the best I could do. You were not special; you were just like the rest. You came before anyone else, knew I would have never married you had I known the truth so you hid it beneath the surface and cast an illusion. No dreams, no future, just living day by day without a hope of something better. You were not the one, you were just a magician, everyone captivated believed the trick, it was so credible you started to believe it yourself.

When I finally saw clearly 9 years had passed me by and finally I saw: I am something else because I want different, I am special because I face challenges and still rise above it, I am the one and only and don’t need you by my side. I am capable of success all on my own.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Random Thoughts

I’m torn between who I was and who I am.
Breathing doesn’t come easy
People around me suffocate me.
Do they even see me clearly anymore?
Does this even matter?
Nothing makes sense anymore
--
I cannot let you in.
I cannot let myself feel
I cannot let you hurt me
Its happened too many times before
--
You are like a moth, creature of the night
Broken wing, attracted to the light
Unable to think past this moment
Mesmerized by the light
Not understanding the heat can destroy you.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

What is Love?

What is love?
Is not holding anything back the key to true love?
How do you know when you are ready for a relationship?
Does being in a relationship mean compromise?

Last night a friend and I were texting back and forth on these same questions. Earlier this year he broke off a 6 year relationship and recently he began “seeing” a mutual friend of ours. Things seem to be going well and he is now trying to figure out whether he is ready to be in a relationship again and what that all means. Considering everything I have been through this year, I have been evaluating my life and the all past relationships to try and figure out where I have gone wrong. No, I do not think my divorce was actually my fault as it was not a typical situation, it is actually quite unusual. Nonetheless, for a while I knew that being married to Mr. X was not working and part at least was my fault as I let it get that far by agreeing to marry him even when I had doubts a few months before the wedding.

That is another story and not as important right now as this. So in talking to my friend last night, I started to express how I wasn’t quite sure I knew what romantic love was anymore. I assumed I knew but lately I have been thinking that maybe it was never love, maybe I gave the best I could and as much as I could but I don’t think I would call that love. So it leads to the question: What is love? And how do you recognize it? Back when I actually believed in love, I assumed that love was trust and respect for your partner. Love involved caring about someone else more than you cared for yourself. However, that may be a little masochistic as I think ultimately one partner ends up giving up a lot of who they are or what they want, to make a relationship work. My friend said a relationship is compromise, both letting some things go and working together towards a future that involves both parties. But I feel like one partner always ends up giving more than the other. I don’t think it is done consciously. I think you just let things go because your partner doesn’t like the same thing or it just becomes inconvenient in the grand scheme of things. An example: I love dancing, I love going out with friends to a club, or party where I get to dance the night away. My ex did not enjoy it. When we dated, he went and danced a bit, but ultimately would say, just dance with your friends. Eventually when we got married, he stopped going all together and I ended up going to clubs with friends, and attending parties either alone or with a friend or relative. After a while it just didn’t seem right that I would go alone, so I stopped going all together. No he did not ask me to stop, yet I knew he didn’t enjoy it, so I stopped doing it. See where I am going with this? A partner ends up giving things up unconsciously to accommodate the other. I won’t say if it is right, wrong, or the way it should be, I am just wondering: Is it always like this? Does it have to be this way? How can it be different?

Another thing I have been thinking about lately is how I sometimes change what I like and accommodate for the other person. I guess everyone does this to some extend but I was thinking how much of who we are do we “let go” of to make a relationship work. Should being with someone be hard work? I don’t actually think I or anyone else considers it hard work when you are in a relationship but giving up a part of who you are or what you like for someone else is a big deal, maybe not one you see at first but definitely down the road. So what does that mean? Is it that you are living a lie by holding things back? Or is just the way life is, like a partner sometimes stops doing things they enjoyed, or changes habits to accommodate the other. My friend brought up a question that is really good and I wish I had an answer to it: Is not holding anything back the key to true love? True love, yikes there is something everyone wants and yet it feels like such few actually have it. I don’t know, true love is one of those terms I have never used to describe any of my relationships even when I was married. Not to bring my parents into this mix, but considering they got divorce when I was very young and neither re-married, I don’t think I ever had an example of what true love looks like. So what is true love?

And lastly, when is someone ready for a relationship? Is there ever a right time? I for one don’t think I was actually “looking” for one, each time it happened. Every relationship just came as a natural next step after dating the person for a while and thinking I wanted something more exclusive. But now I wonder, is there ever a time when one feels “ready” for a relationship? How does one even know?