What is Love?

What is love?
Is not holding anything back the key to true love?
How do you know when you are ready for a relationship?
Does being in a relationship mean compromise?

Last night a friend and I were texting back and forth on these same questions. Earlier this year he broke off a 6 year relationship and recently he began “seeing” a mutual friend of ours. Things seem to be going well and he is now trying to figure out whether he is ready to be in a relationship again and what that all means. Considering everything I have been through this year, I have been evaluating my life and the all past relationships to try and figure out where I have gone wrong. No, I do not think my divorce was actually my fault as it was not a typical situation, it is actually quite unusual. Nonetheless, for a while I knew that being married to Mr. X was not working and part at least was my fault as I let it get that far by agreeing to marry him even when I had doubts a few months before the wedding.

That is another story and not as important right now as this. So in talking to my friend last night, I started to express how I wasn’t quite sure I knew what romantic love was anymore. I assumed I knew but lately I have been thinking that maybe it was never love, maybe I gave the best I could and as much as I could but I don’t think I would call that love. So it leads to the question: What is love? And how do you recognize it? Back when I actually believed in love, I assumed that love was trust and respect for your partner. Love involved caring about someone else more than you cared for yourself. However, that may be a little masochistic as I think ultimately one partner ends up giving up a lot of who they are or what they want, to make a relationship work. My friend said a relationship is compromise, both letting some things go and working together towards a future that involves both parties. But I feel like one partner always ends up giving more than the other. I don’t think it is done consciously. I think you just let things go because your partner doesn’t like the same thing or it just becomes inconvenient in the grand scheme of things. An example: I love dancing, I love going out with friends to a club, or party where I get to dance the night away. My ex did not enjoy it. When we dated, he went and danced a bit, but ultimately would say, just dance with your friends. Eventually when we got married, he stopped going all together and I ended up going to clubs with friends, and attending parties either alone or with a friend or relative. After a while it just didn’t seem right that I would go alone, so I stopped going all together. No he did not ask me to stop, yet I knew he didn’t enjoy it, so I stopped doing it. See where I am going with this? A partner ends up giving things up unconsciously to accommodate the other. I won’t say if it is right, wrong, or the way it should be, I am just wondering: Is it always like this? Does it have to be this way? How can it be different?

Another thing I have been thinking about lately is how I sometimes change what I like and accommodate for the other person. I guess everyone does this to some extend but I was thinking how much of who we are do we “let go” of to make a relationship work. Should being with someone be hard work? I don’t actually think I or anyone else considers it hard work when you are in a relationship but giving up a part of who you are or what you like for someone else is a big deal, maybe not one you see at first but definitely down the road. So what does that mean? Is it that you are living a lie by holding things back? Or is just the way life is, like a partner sometimes stops doing things they enjoyed, or changes habits to accommodate the other. My friend brought up a question that is really good and I wish I had an answer to it: Is not holding anything back the key to true love? True love, yikes there is something everyone wants and yet it feels like such few actually have it. I don’t know, true love is one of those terms I have never used to describe any of my relationships even when I was married. Not to bring my parents into this mix, but considering they got divorce when I was very young and neither re-married, I don’t think I ever had an example of what true love looks like. So what is true love?

And lastly, when is someone ready for a relationship? Is there ever a right time? I for one don’t think I was actually “looking” for one, each time it happened. Every relationship just came as a natural next step after dating the person for a while and thinking I wanted something more exclusive. But now I wonder, is there ever a time when one feels “ready” for a relationship? How does one even know?

Bad Romance

I stopped writing for many reasons: lack of time, lack of creativity, stress, drama etc. Lately I have started to feel the need to get back into writing. Since July of this year I haven't been able to write a single poem and I think it might have to do with the emotional mess I created in my life. (Funny since I always thought that is what made me creative). Anyways, this weekend a friend and I hung out and talked about men. I had a feeling she was starting to develop feelings for a particular someone who happens to not be single. I saw myself in her and hesitated about offering some advice. I always hated when others told me they knew what I was going through and told me it wouldn't end well. Of course they were right but I really didn't want to hear that. So after much going back and forth I decided the best way to talk to her about it was to share my story. After that we were able to talk about her issue and decided to start developing a plan to avoid her getting hurt. She is like me in so many ways: Strong and independent on the outside but as we put it, broken in the inside. The idea of yet another bad relationship would leave us crippled for life! The Callie character in Grey's Anatomy put it this way: I used to walk talk in this hospital, then with each relationship I got shorter, one more will leave me on my knees.

Tonight I wrote to her this email:

Ay! Why is it that we find ourselves in these situations? I guess its no big deal for men because they really don't give a S*. But for us, it so different and means so much more. Friends would tell me I was being stupid and should put an end to it and yet I kept it up. I know what it feels like to be there: the excitement, thrill, emotional connection, the silly butterflies in your stomach because its new, and the jealous attacks you hope no one else is noticing. There is of course also the monster inside that tells you this is wrong, that there is another woman involved and you would never want that done to you, the guilt, remorse etc. But then comes the nice feeling you feel when you talk or text him. The way it seems he gets you and the monster seems to disappear at least temporarily and slowly you start to give in. You start telling yourself its ok because you are just friends, its ok because she is mean, its ok because she doesn't understand him, its ok because she is away and you start bending your rules and standards for what your body wants. And you then give in

completely and before you know it: he is STILL with her, and you are just the side show. And I swear that as much as I want to be optimistic because trust me I held out the same hope for me, they NEVER leave the other woman. Or if they do, how will you ever be sure you are the only one in his life?

Some people need to make their own mistakes to learn (that was me), but if you don't want the pain and suffering then maybe this will shed some light. Either way I'm here!

Last night's dream

I don't usually remember my dreams, but last night's was so interesting that its probably the reason I remember it. It might also have something to do with the fact that "O" is a real person who I know.

I was lost in total darkness and wandered around for a while without really knowing where I was, or what I was looking for. I was wearing a sexy red dress and wasn't wearing shoes. I finally found a bright cave and walked towards it. As I approached, I notice it actually had a door and as I stood there debating whether to knock or not, the door open. And it became clear that it was not actually a cave what I was considering entering but the doorway to hell. And the most amazing dark angel stood there inviting me in...and his name was "O". And I accepted his invitation.

The Mask

I wear a mask to shield myself from you. A mask to protect the little dignity and self-respect I have left. A mask that makes my co-existence with you possible. The mask that keeps my family safe. The mask that allows me to work through all I know at my own pace. The only problem with this mask is it requires all of my emotions to be on check. And every night when you've finally fallen asleep and I can take the mask off, I sigh and think about all that I've lost because of you. I think about all of the hate and anger I feel for you and it overwhelms me. I see a glimpse of the real me in the bathroom mirror and wonder if I will have the strength to put the damn mask on again in the morning. A mask that I despise. A mask that hides how I really feel about you. The damn mask I wear to shield myself from you.

Untitled 1

I'm not a writer but every so often I feel the urge to put into words how I feel and call it a poem. This one is untitled since I think it is still a work in progress. Constructive criticism is always welcomed.

"It's not your fault that I can't trust
It's in my past
It seems my path
I just can't go on like this,
can't you see I'm pissed?

You're cold and then you're hot
You're here and then you're not
You're up and then you're down
It's left and then it's right

And just when I think we're done,
I realize the cycle has just begun.

It's white and then it's black
I call and you don't answer
You want me but then you don't
And truth be told I just don't know

It's not your fault that I can't trust.
But it's your fault that I'm always lost.