The Happily Ever After Cinderella didn't see

What do you do when the dreams and hopes have shattered?

When your happily ever after lasted only five years…

What do you when the clock stroke midnight and your carriage just turned into a pumpkin?

What do you do when Prince Charming turned out to be nothing but a phony?

You cry your eyes out, you pick the pieces of your life that are worth taking, and you move forward.

After all you are young, strong, smart and a survivor.

Table for One

I can't remember the last time I had to say just one.
Maybe it happened during our marriage and it just went unnoticed by me.
But now that I'm single, alone again, I notice it.
Every time I have a craving for eating out.

Yes! I finally get to decided what I want to have.
No need to avoid Indian or Thai because you are so uncultured you can't see beyond American food.
No need to have to go to buffets to feed your never ending appetite.
No longer have to worry about you being upset because for once you ordered something different off the menu and hate it, or have to face the same ole appetizer everywhere we go: artichoke dip.

I get to have my own voice again.
Eat what I want when I want it.
So what if I want tacos from the lunch truck?
So what if I want the $25 ribeye steak?
No longer have to argue over my taste in food or the price of the meal.
No longer have to wait for someone else to be in the mood for eating out.
Now I go when I want to.

Yes it is a table for one.
Yes, I do want to hear tonight's specials.
Yes I do think I will have dessert tonight.

The Timeline

I met you in June when I was technically single although still making out with my ex in the stairwell of his apartment building. I thought you were something else. Decided to give myself a chance with you and in July told my ex I was through.

I left for Spain in September and by October you had a $300 phone bill from all the times you’d call. I thought you were special and liked that you cared enough to call me weekly.

By December I came home to find a bouquet of 24 long stem red roses on my door with balloons that said I miss you. I thought you might be the one, after all why else would you do this?

In May, after much thought and 9 months of studying in Spain, I thought maybe I need to get out. I am too young to settle down. So I had the perfect excuse to end our relationship. You threw a curve ball and my plan back-fired. I kept my mouth shut and thought it was a sign that maybe we should go on.

By the following December you were proposing and I wasn’t quite sure of what to do but was taught the right answer was yes so I went along with it. I thought you were special, different, something else. With time you would become the one.

Two year engagement because I was dragging my feet, but you were my friend and I trusted you so marriage seemed a safe haven. After all I thought you were something else, and all the signs seemed to say I should go on, and so I told myself, you are the one.

Five years into the marriage and I finally see you clearly. You were not something else, you were just like the rest. For nine years you lied. I was the best you could do, but you weren’t the best I could do. You were not special; you were just like the rest. You came before anyone else, knew I would have never married you had I known the truth so you hid it beneath the surface and cast an illusion. No dreams, no future, just living day by day without a hope of something better. You were not the one, you were just a magician, everyone captivated believed the trick, it was so credible you started to believe it yourself.

When I finally saw clearly 9 years had passed me by and finally I saw: I am something else because I want different, I am special because I face challenges and still rise above it, I am the one and only and don’t need you by my side. I am capable of success all on my own.

Random Thoughts

I’m torn between who I was and who I am.
Breathing doesn’t come easy
People around me suffocate me.
Do they even see me clearly anymore?
Does this even matter?
Nothing makes sense anymore
--
I cannot let you in.
I cannot let myself feel
I cannot let you hurt me
Its happened too many times before
--
You are like a moth, creature of the night
Broken wing, attracted to the light
Unable to think past this moment
Mesmerized by the light
Not understanding the heat can destroy you.

The Mask

I wear a mask to shield myself from you. A mask to protect the little dignity and self-respect I have left. A mask that makes my co-existence with you possible. The mask that keeps my family safe. The mask that allows me to work through all I know at my own pace. The only problem with this mask is it requires all of my emotions to be on check. And every night when you've finally fallen asleep and I can take the mask off, I sigh and think about all that I've lost because of you. I think about all of the hate and anger I feel for you and it overwhelms me. I see a glimpse of the real me in the bathroom mirror and wonder if I will have the strength to put the damn mask on again in the morning. A mask that I despise. A mask that hides how I really feel about you. The damn mask I wear to shield myself from you.

Untitled 1

I'm not a writer but every so often I feel the urge to put into words how I feel and call it a poem. This one is untitled since I think it is still a work in progress. Constructive criticism is always welcomed.

"It's not your fault that I can't trust
It's in my past
It seems my path
I just can't go on like this,
can't you see I'm pissed?

You're cold and then you're hot
You're here and then you're not
You're up and then you're down
It's left and then it's right

And just when I think we're done,
I realize the cycle has just begun.

It's white and then it's black
I call and you don't answer
You want me but then you don't
And truth be told I just don't know

It's not your fault that I can't trust.
But it's your fault that I'm always lost.