Bad Romance

I stopped writing for many reasons: lack of time, lack of creativity, stress, drama etc. Lately I have started to feel the need to get back into writing. Since July of this year I haven't been able to write a single poem and I think it might have to do with the emotional mess I created in my life. (Funny since I always thought that is what made me creative). Anyways, this weekend a friend and I hung out and talked about men. I had a feeling she was starting to develop feelings for a particular someone who happens to not be single. I saw myself in her and hesitated about offering some advice. I always hated when others told me they knew what I was going through and told me it wouldn't end well. Of course they were right but I really didn't want to hear that. So after much going back and forth I decided the best way to talk to her about it was to share my story. After that we were able to talk about her issue and decided to start developing a plan to avoid her getting hurt. She is like me in so many ways: Strong and independent on the outside but as we put it, broken in the inside. The idea of yet another bad relationship would leave us crippled for life! The Callie character in Grey's Anatomy put it this way: I used to walk talk in this hospital, then with each relationship I got shorter, one more will leave me on my knees.

Tonight I wrote to her this email:

Ay! Why is it that we find ourselves in these situations? I guess its no big deal for men because they really don't give a S*. But for us, it so different and means so much more. Friends would tell me I was being stupid and should put an end to it and yet I kept it up. I know what it feels like to be there: the excitement, thrill, emotional connection, the silly butterflies in your stomach because its new, and the jealous attacks you hope no one else is noticing. There is of course also the monster inside that tells you this is wrong, that there is another woman involved and you would never want that done to you, the guilt, remorse etc. But then comes the nice feeling you feel when you talk or text him. The way it seems he gets you and the monster seems to disappear at least temporarily and slowly you start to give in. You start telling yourself its ok because you are just friends, its ok because she is mean, its ok because she doesn't understand him, its ok because she is away and you start bending your rules and standards for what your body wants. And you then give in

completely and before you know it: he is STILL with her, and you are just the side show. And I swear that as much as I want to be optimistic because trust me I held out the same hope for me, they NEVER leave the other woman. Or if they do, how will you ever be sure you are the only one in his life?

Some people need to make their own mistakes to learn (that was me), but if you don't want the pain and suffering then maybe this will shed some light. Either way I'm here!

Last night's dream

I don't usually remember my dreams, but last night's was so interesting that its probably the reason I remember it. It might also have something to do with the fact that "O" is a real person who I know.

I was lost in total darkness and wandered around for a while without really knowing where I was, or what I was looking for. I was wearing a sexy red dress and wasn't wearing shoes. I finally found a bright cave and walked towards it. As I approached, I notice it actually had a door and as I stood there debating whether to knock or not, the door open. And it became clear that it was not actually a cave what I was considering entering but the doorway to hell. And the most amazing dark angel stood there inviting me in...and his name was "O". And I accepted his invitation.

The Mask

I wear a mask to shield myself from you. A mask to protect the little dignity and self-respect I have left. A mask that makes my co-existence with you possible. The mask that keeps my family safe. The mask that allows me to work through all I know at my own pace. The only problem with this mask is it requires all of my emotions to be on check. And every night when you've finally fallen asleep and I can take the mask off, I sigh and think about all that I've lost because of you. I think about all of the hate and anger I feel for you and it overwhelms me. I see a glimpse of the real me in the bathroom mirror and wonder if I will have the strength to put the damn mask on again in the morning. A mask that I despise. A mask that hides how I really feel about you. The damn mask I wear to shield myself from you.

Untitled 1

I'm not a writer but every so often I feel the urge to put into words how I feel and call it a poem. This one is untitled since I think it is still a work in progress. Constructive criticism is always welcomed.

"It's not your fault that I can't trust
It's in my past
It seems my path
I just can't go on like this,
can't you see I'm pissed?

You're cold and then you're hot
You're here and then you're not
You're up and then you're down
It's left and then it's right

And just when I think we're done,
I realize the cycle has just begun.

It's white and then it's black
I call and you don't answer
You want me but then you don't
And truth be told I just don't know

It's not your fault that I can't trust.
But it's your fault that I'm always lost.